THE AVON GROVE SUN MINISTER ARTICLE

The Backdoor Approach to Parenting

Ever feel like you’re hitting a brick wall when you talk with your teen?  Feel like every time you start a conversation, you get a door slammed in your face? Have you ever tried the back door? Someone once lamented, “If only teenagers came with an instruction manual.”  As I work with teenagers each week, I constantly hear stories from teens who wish their parents would take the time to slow down and try to understand them.  I hear an equal number of stories from parents who wish their teenagers would take down the walls they have placed around their hearts and allow them to come inside.  I recently read a book called “The Back Door to Your Teen’s Heart” by Melissa Trevathan & Sissy Goff, two counselors of teenagers & families at Daystar Ministries in Tennessee.  I found their words inspiring and true and I’d like to share with you some of the things they had to say.

The backdoor approach to relating to teenagers is all about being unpredictable and acting on spontaneous moments of openness.  Anyone can try to enter into a conversation with you through the front door.  Many of us have had this conversation with a teenager.

“How was your day?”  “Fine.”  “What did you do in school?” “Nothing.” “How did you do on your English test?”  “Okay.”  “Your dad got a new job today.”  “Cool.”  

These are typical teenage responses to the front door approach.  Many of us have seen the doormat, “Backdoor friends are always welcome.”  I had one such friend in college.  I was welcome to drop by, knock & enter any time I wished.   The back door was usually unlocked and if it wasn’t, I had been given a key to use.  Back door friends have a true connection with each other.  They’ve earned the right to come in the back door.  The fastest way “to be dismissed by teens is to be a part of their lives without establishing a real relationship with them”

Here’s an example of the difference between the front door and back door approach. “Say a teenager comes home from church and announces that she is no longer going to be a part of her youth group.  Most adolescents would expect their parents to respond by coming in the front door, announcing their dictatorship rule and giving them announcements, not choices.  Something like “Youth group is not negotiable.  You will be a part of your youth group as long as you are living under my roof.”  A backdoor response that is a little more unpredictable and wise could be, “That’s fine.  You don’t have to go to youth group anymore.  You can choose between youth group, young life, FCA, or a small group Bible study.  Whichever one you choose will be fine with us.”  This allows your teen to have a say in what they do, but within the context of your priorities as their parents.”

As parents, we’re like a sheep running through a pack of wolves so we don’t call attention to ourselves.  We should be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove.  We can choose to try to barge in the front door with the teenagers we reach out to, screaming orders and decrees, or we can quietly slip in the back, put our arm around them, and walk with them through life.  If you’re a sheep and you don’t want to be eaten by the wolf pack, don’t announce your presence.  Simply do what you came there to do.  Here are some other examples of ways to use the back door from their book.

“The mother of an eighth grader recently talked about the chaos of her daughter’s schedule.  ‘I actually really love it.  We spend so much time in the car when it’s just us that we get to talk a lot.  When she’s away from the distractions of her brothers, her friends, and the phone, she’ll talk to me.’”

“When Sissy was in high school, her mom used to stay up every night until she got home.  Sissy always thought it was to make sure she came in at curfew.  Years later when they talked about it, her mom said, ‘Oh no.  I stayed up because that was the time you talked the most.

“Our camp counselors loved it when one of the boats broke down.  The kids all come down as a group to help fix it and a great conversation always comes out of it.”

“We need to look for spontaneous opportunities.  Quality time is a great thing, but it’s also important that we enjoy our adolescents in the midst of everyday life.  Adolescents are spontaneous creatures.  They constantly fly by the seat of their pants.  Part of learning to enjoy them has to do with connecting with them where they are.  If your daughter is talking to you in the car, don’t drive straight home.  Take advantage of the moment.  Pull over and get ice cream.  Take the long route home.  If we have the courage to let go of our agendas, we can learn to go with the spontaneity of the moment.”

The authors stress that it’s important to “hang in there. Parenting teenagers is hard, but it's such an important time. The great thing about parenting teenagers is that there is not a perfect parent. Even as we fail and admit our failures to our teenagers, it can really point them towards Christ, who is the only perfect parent. It's never too late. Even though time has been lost, it's all about choosing to still move toward that teenager and trying to build a relationship. Don't be so discouraged. The secret is knowing that the results are not in our hands, but God’s.”

Drew Cope is the Youth Director at New London Presbyterian Church. For more information about parenting in today’s youth culture, please visit GZYouth.com/parents.