When you and I were in school, cutting was something students
did when they forgot to finish their homework, or if they wanted to make out
with their boyfriend or girlfriend under the bleachers. The biggest problems in schools involved
chewing gum and passing notes. Today,
our students are in the midst of a much more serious crisis. Students who are facing inner turmoil are
not equipped to deal with these emotions in healthy ways. They are turning less and less to their
parents, teachers, youth leaders and friends and more towards self destructive
behaviors like ‘cutting’. Cutting isn’t
a new approach to dealing with inner pain, anger, emotional turmoil and
stress. But it is becoming more
prevalent and its victims are getting younger and younger.
As I began researching this article, I turned to counselors and
was referred to several books on the subject.
This was of some help. Then I searched
the internet and found a few more medical descriptions of the problem. But sadly, and very telling, the most helpful
resources I found on the subject were several area 8th and 9th
graders. Eight of us were talking recently. When I mentioned this project, they presented
an incredible wealth of information. With the exception of one of these eight
students, each knew at least one (and some as many as seven) other teens who
cut. Though they’d never admit it, I
believe some spoke from personal experience.
This article is not a medical journal entry. It is not psychological or medical
advice. This is the attempt of one area
youth pastor to bring attention to an issue that is extremely prevalent among our
children and it’s growing. When I
mentioned to one parent the topic of my article, she said that she had sort of
heard that it was a problem, but was shocked that teenagers as young as 6th
grade are into this destructive habit. This
article will barely touch on what one needs to know, but realize this: cutting
is not just something that kids from messed up families do. Teens with perfect families and $300,000
homes are prime candidates for cutting as well.
Why do teens cut? It
varies from person to person. According
to these 8th and 9th graders, “It’s something you can
control, in the midst of a lot of things that you can’t.” When you can’t control the work load you have
or whether or not dad will come home screaming or smiling, it gives you a sense
of ownership of one part of your life.
Some cut to release pain. The
release of frustration or anger one feels when throwing a lamp into the wall and
the satisfaction one derives from it breaking, is similar to that which cutters
receive from slicing their skin, watching it turn red, and seeing the blood
flow. Some use it as a way to release
guilt, or because they feel “I deserve this.”
This guilt can be caused by parental, teacher or friend put-downs or
simply because no one has taught or modeled for them how they can be loved
unconditionally, in spite of whatever they think they might have done. They also said that it can stem from holding a
warped view of God; seeing Him as some kind of wicked task master who keeps
track of the rights and wrongs we commit, rather than as the loving, forgiving,
gracious, merciful God of the prodigal son.
According to another teen, “Sometimes, cutters want to do something
rebellious or cut to get revenge. After
finishing a screaming match with their parents, some of my friends will cut because
they know this will make their parents mad if they ever find out. Or like when your boyfriend breaks up with
you, or your friends ‘diss’ you and make you feel like garbage. It’s a way to ‘show them who’s in
control.’” In other cases, the pressure some teens feel
to juggle the unstable people in their life, and keep everyone around them
happy and at peace with one another, drives them to cut. “This dude I knew said it didn’t hurt
anymore. It started as a way of dealing
with stuff and eventually, it grew into something he did whenever he got bored. It became a creative thing. He’d show off the designs he made. I guess people made fun of his art and his
poetry so much that he quit that stuff and started using his body as his
canvas.” For other teens, the pressures
of life and the juggling required keep everyone around them happy and friendly
is just too much to handle.
Regardless of why they cut, the biggest thing the teens
agreed on was that their friends who cut, are not doing it for attention. It’s a coping mechanism they have developed
for dealing with their pain. “My friends were so desperate, they were willing
to try anything to get through the pain,” said one teen. Teens who cut often
feel like they are out of options and like many terminally ill patients these
days, they turn to ‘alternative treatments’ no matter how far fetched they
sound.
And once this coping mechanism is established, it’s a tough
habit to break. “Its like a drug, you
can’t stop. It’s in your mind. Even if you get happy and you’re not cutting
as often, you still have bad days and it’s your first thought when someone
hurts you. If someone insults you or
pushes you down, or makes you feel bad, or your mom says you can’t go out
tonight, you are going to get upset, and blame yourself for not doing
everything right. We put a lot of
pressure on ourselves to be perfect: to try to keep everyone around us happy,
all the time. When you are stuck in
this, you can’t see the good part of yourself and focus on the negative and your
self esteem drops and you just can’t see past the situation. You feel so bad.”
According to a 1997 article from the Center for Parent and
Youth understanding, “Some experts
theorize that cutting releases beta-endorphins (aka the brain's "feel-good"
chemicals) which act as the body's own opiates, leading to feelings of pleasure
or being high. As a result, some believe cutting is physically addictive. As in
the case of drug addiction, the longer the habit is practiced, the more
frequent and intense the "dosage" must be to achieve the desired
physical effect.” My panel of teens
agreed. “[Cutting] is like an adrenaline
rush. That's the main thing. It’s addicting. Even when you decide you want to stop, you
can’t.”
One student, who did not know any cutters personally, had a
hard time understanding these reasons.
“When my parents yell at me, or I my friends at school pull a prank on
me, I don’t go up to my room and start cutting my arms. I deal with it. I don’t understand why people have to do this.” I think she speaks for a lot of us adults as
well. We don’t understand this behavior
and that is what this cutting generation needs most; someone to understand
them. The group seemed to agree that
most cutters feel like they don’t have anyone that they can trust or turn to
when things get rough. While they may be
surrounded by friends, they feel isolated and alone. Their instrument of pain, the music they
listen to, and the place where they cut become their only friends.
Most cutters tend to hide their scars and bruises on the
underside of their wrists. Some just
keep their arms at their sides. Others
wear long sleeve shirts or lots of bracelets.
If someone makes a big deal about the marks, they simply begin cutting
on other parts of their body, to more easily hide their habit. Cuts and burns on their thighs, stomachs and
chests often become the next step in the pattern. Once cutters realize they want out of this
habit, many are unsure where to turn.
One 9th grader said, “My mom was totally
cool. I was afraid to tell her, but
somehow she found out. She came to me and
gently, calmly and lovingly said, ‘Okay, look.
I know about this. And I’ve been
through this before too. You can come to
me whenever you want because I know that your friends won’t always be
there. I won’t judge you. I won’t be mad at you. I want you to know how much I love you. And if you don’t feel comfortable talking to
me or dad, that’s okay too. If you want
to talk with a teacher at school, or one of the youth leaders at church, or
your friends, I’m okay with that. I
won’t go prying to find out what’s going on.
I love you. I just want to make
sure you’re okay.’ And then she
left. Later, when I needed to go talk
to her, I felt like I could trust her and I knew she wasn’t going to freak out,
go ballistic, or loose it. My mom really
held it together and was there for me.
She gave me an invitation and later, I was able to come to her when I
needed to. That really helped.”
I see the root of the problem as two-fold. One, we have failed to model and teach
appropriate means of dealing with emotional pain, stress and the pressures of
life. Two, we’ve turned up the heat on
our kids.
More and more teenagers are dealing with adult problems at
younger and younger ages; messy marriages, family violence, painful divorces,
personal attacks at school, and the list goes on. Students are seeing more homework from school
and more pressure to perform from home.
Some students begin cutting after a final straw snaps, bringing pent up
frustrations racing to the forefront of their minds; things as simple as not
making the team, not getting a certain role in the school play, or putting up
with other teens or friends at school who are being “annoying” can set off an
explosion fueled by weeks, months or even years of pent up emotional pain and
stress. More and more teens are speaking
out about the number of adult problems that they are dealing with as teens,
including sex, abuse, broken and angry families, pressure to pull more
than their share of the burden of holding their families together. Some students combine cutting with eating
disorders and other self-destructive behaviors in a crude means of trying to
navigate rough emotional waters.
If a student is not personally experiencing one of these
issues, it is almost a certainty that he or she has a close friend who is. And while we, as adults, are allowing them to
experience more and more of these mature issues, we are failing to give them
the tools to handle these and keep their heads above water. These students don’t have enough life
experience under their belts to keep from drowning when they are pushed into
the deep end of the pool.
The more they internalize all the pain they are
experiencing, the more frequently things like panic attacks, and a desire to
turn to alcohol or drugs begins to occur.
And if it’s not caught early, these can lead to more serious physical and
psychological problems
Some students respond by turning to trusted friends or
adults in their lives. But a far greater
number are turning to cutting, modified eating habits, and other behaviors that
give them a sense that they have some control over some part of their
out-of-control lives.
As a parent, what can I do to help my kids?
Give them an invitation to come talk whenever they need to,
and then leave it at that. Don’t hound
them to come talk to you. Assure them
that you will not judge them, or respond in anger. Let them know that if they feel more
comfortable talking with another adult, that you will not feel threatened or
offended and that you will not ask that other person to breach their trust.
When your teen does come talk to you, remain calm. Handle it right then and there. This is not the time to walk away, collect
your thoughts and come back. You teen
will be left in agony. Love them right
there, on the spot, and respond in a way that will meet your child where they
are at. You know your kid best. Use that knowledge to consol them. Don’t freak out on them or go nuts and break
down or they may not trust you enough to share other things with you in the
future. They need you to be a rock at
this point in their life. That’s why you
are their parent. They are coming to you
because they need you to handle this because they can’t.
If you just don’t have that kind of strong relationship with
your teen, try to work on it. Find back
doors into their lives. You can read my
article from March 2003 for more information on this. But also recognize that if your teen knows
for sure that if they tell you something, that you are going to freak out, that
they are probably not going to come to you with their problems. This may relieve some of the stress and
pressure in both of your lives. Even
though you may not share a relationship where your teen feels they can tell you
everything, you still have some very important roles to play as their parent, even
if they are not coming to you for advice and help. Be sure you, give them permission to talk
with someone else. Let them know that
you are okay with that. That will crack
open a door door for you to get back into their life again when they are ready.
My panel of teens gave mixed responses how a parent can best
empathize with what is going on in their lives.
Some of the teens wanted their parents to say, “I know how you
feel.” Others said, “but they don’t, so
I don’t want them to say that. I want
them to acknowledge that this has gotta be tough for me right now.” Some of the teens said would want assurances
that this was all going to be okay but others preferred to get it
straight. They wanted to hear, “This is
going to be hard, but we WILL get through this, together.”
Teens are going to trust and go to people who they know will
love them and who will not judge them or freak out on them. If someone comes to you it means they want to
get better…You are going to have to help them through hard times but it should
be easier since they know they want to stop.
Remember, it’s never too late to begin using positive
parenting techniques. Encourage you
teens at all times, in everything they do.
Don’t be afraid to discipline them appropriately when necessary, but
shower them with praises whenever you get the opportunity. Find ways to remind them how much you love
them. If you are in the middle of a
difficult marriage, agree with your spouse that you will never put your kids in
the middle of your disagreements. Decide
that you will keep your disagreements civil when they are in the house and not fight
in front of them. Both of you should assure
them that you them that your conflicts are not their fault or their
responsibility to try to fix. Do this
together with your spouse and one on one with each of your kids. Find a support group for yourself to help you
work through your disagreements and find a support group for your teens to help
them work through the issues that they will wrestle with, regardless of how
carefully you tiptoe through this time in your life.
What if I’m not their
parent?
Grandparents, relatives, neighbors, teachers, pastors, youth
leaders and friends can offer similar invitations to teens who you know to be
facing tough times in life. If your
family has things pretty well together, let your own teens know that you want
your house to be a haven for any of their friends who need to get a few hours
away from a bad situation at home. Try
to build a relationship with the parents of any students who come through your
door. Don’t try to fix the situation. No-one will hear you out and you’ll burn more
bridges than you’ll build. But form the
relationship with them so that when things really hit the fan, God can use you
to support that family and help the teens.
You can also call up your church youth leader or youth pastor and offer to volunteer to help with a meeting, trip or event. Maybe they need someone to help chaperone, or someone to help direct cars in and out of the parking lot on a youth night, or provide food for an event. Perhaps you can help in other ways like assisting with setup, or cleanup for an event or weekly meeting. Often, teens with troubled lives need scholarships to be able to afford to go on youth group trips. Let the youth leader know that you would be willing to anonymously sponsor a student to help them go on a trip where they could focus on God for a while. Find a way to get involved in the lives of the teenagers in your community.
One final thought… The team emphasized how important is was to them, that when they are going through a hard time and they do choose to go to their parents for help and advice, how absolutely critical it was to them that they could trust that their parents would not judge them, would be mad or angry or upset with them, and that they would be a rock, an anchor for them in the middle of a really difficult time. “There is nothing worse then when you want to go and tell your mom something is going on in your life, and then she just breaks down and cries, or tells you how disappointed she is. I already knew she was going to be disappointed. She didn’t have to go and tell me that and make me feel worse. That just made want to go and cut again. I needed her to be a non-judgmental, supportive, loving rock in my life. I wanted her to hug me, hold me, and tell me that she loved me. I wanted her to tell me that it was going to be hard, but she would help me through this and that everything was going to be alright. Instead, what I got was a blubbering idiot who, instead of being a mom, locked me in my room and hired a head-shrink to come fix me like I was a broken toy.” Another teen chimed in, “And when I do try to tell my dad something, there’s nothing worse then when he says, “Oh, that can wait. Let’s talk about it later.” If I’m coming to him, its because things are bad and I need to talk now. And if he’s not going to talk to me, then I’ll just handle things myself. Parents need to understand that.”
Cutting is a dangerous habit and it cannot be ignored. Some teens pass out, cause deep muscle tissue damage, get infections, or can bleed to death if they go to far. But just because you read this, don’t assume your student is cutting. This breaks the trust between you. Be aware of the issue and don’t assume your teens would never do this. According to CPYU, “Most teens and young adults who cut are often the ones you’d least suspect. For the most part, they are bright, intelligent, and generally ‘normal’ teens.” Look for a natural opportunity to discuss it with your teen. Show them this article and ask them if they know any friends who are into this. Don’t push for names… just encourage them by letting them know that you will support them and their friends and that you won’t rat them out right off the bat… that you are there to help.
If your family is experiencing turmoil right now, keep an
eye on your teens. Be aware of how they
spend their time. Know where they
are. Touch base with the parents of the
friends who your children hang out with.
Know where they are. We need to
work together to keep a collective eye on our teens, especially if we know that
there are hard circumstances going on at home.
Even the friendliest divorce is extremely hard on teens who are seeking
desperately to find self confidence and self worth in a world that constantly
feeds them negativity. We need to pay
special attention to these teens, and if they won’t talk to us, encourage them
to talk to someone else they trust.
I can’t give you a magic formula for how to handle this with
your teens. Every family is unique. God gave your children to you. You know them best. Only you can decide how you will approach
this issue with your teen. I cannot
give you advice or counsel through a newspaper column however I have included
some tips below. I can only really encourage
you to prayerfully approach this with the teens in your life, watch for warning
signs, model appropriate methods of dealing with tough issues and problems and
promise to always be there as a calm, steady, non-judgmental rock in their life
that they can always come to whenever they have issues. And that you give them the freedom to seek
adult counsel from friends, teachers and youth leaders in case they don’t feel
comfortable talking with you.
If you do discover that your teens are cutting, let me
encourage you with a few words from scripture.
God hasn’t hung you out to dry.
He
didn’t bring this on your family, but He will help you through of this
situation if you seek Him.
1 Corinthians
Phil
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust
GOD from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your
own. Listen for GOD's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the
one who will keep you on track. (MSG)
Helpful tips include praying for wisdom with the situation
and for God’s hand on your child, seeking professional counseling, reducing
pressure and stress on your teens where possible, talk with other families who
have walked this road and come out at the other end in one piece, spend time
out having fun together and reassure your teens that you love them no matter what,
and that what is going on is not their fault and is in no way a reflection on
them.
Drew Cope
is the Youth Director of the Ground Zero Youth Ministry at New London
Presbyterian Church. To read more from this conversation with area
teenagers about cutting and their suggestions for helping their peers and our
kids, for suggestions on how to open a door to talk with your teen about
cutting, to better understand warning signs and indications that your teen
might be cutting, to find parenting support groups in the area, to find other
resources for information and treatment suggestions, to find books on the
subject, to read helpful papers by doctors about how to help someone who cuts,
etc. please visit their website www.GZYouth.com/Parents/Articles/Cutting/. NLPC will also be hosting a FREE Parenting
Seminar, Saturday evening, November 1st. Please plan to attend.