As I sit thinking of how God has impacted my life, I am truly in awe. When I think of all that I may encounter in my future I give thanks. I wouldn’t dare say that this life is supposed to be easy. I know for me, trials have brought me close to God, and all of my good experiences even closer. Once I started my relationship with Christ, my problems stayed, but my counselor arrived.

Ever since I was young, my father has been my family’s religious leader. Up until I was nine he would wake my brother and I up early, with a Red Red Robin song, for BLT’s and Bible study. Then he would sit down with us, not by our will, but his, and we would fight, and act as though we were falling asleep, but he would teach us God’s holy words. Sometimes he wouldn’t even stop there. If a neighbor were to come over early enough he would surely get sucked into our morning lesson. These childhood experiences greatly shaped the way I live my life today, in knowing how to invite others into my relationship with God, and really being able to dig into the bible. These lessons all had to be taught over and over again, and required a lot of time and practice. As a child I never appreciated these mornings together, but now I look back and thank God that I was so blessed with the parents he gave me. My life from this point was the same as a non-believer. I knew of God’s truth, but hadn’t accepted Christ as my Savior.

At ten, I attended a nearby church with my sister, and later both my parents and brothers did also. As a family we became part of this church. And left our mornings behind. Soon after joining the church, spending many Sundays teaching two year olds, or helping in the Nursery, and going on retreats, I accepted Christ as Lord of my life. Everyone was doing it, and I felt more accepted after this at of faith. I don’t regret making this choice at such a young age, and I even think that I understood why I did it. Since I was baptized, I have seen myself grow in my spiritual relationship with God.

Within the first months of my walk with Christ, I experienced God’s perfect timing first hand. In my sixth grade year, and six days before my eleventh birthday, my oldest brother, James, died. It was Thursday, October seventh, 1999, in a sudden and horrific car accident. This would probe to be another life-changing event. I spent the remainder of sixth grade in shock, and my seventh and eighth grade years in confusion. Despite all that others had said, I still had to figure out why my big, handsome brother had died, and left the rest of my family to carry on. I spent weeks crying out for my brother. At random points, I would just stop what I was doing and start screaming at the top of my lungs. I never saw my other brother cry, but I cried for him. I saw my dad weep, and that made me cry even harder. The Holy Spirit proved faithful, and I pulled through. Not completely, but I did survive.

I was on a brief spiritual high to take my mind off of my brother, and cope, but that soon fell after slowing my pursuit in my relationship with Christ. Two yeas after my baptism, I hung out with some non-believers, and some believers. In eighth grade I hung out with the cool kids, and drank with them too. I felt cool, but shameful with the thought of my dad finding out. While I was drinking, I was attending church, and living a lie. My parents never saw me falling, I don’t think they ever even noticed a change, but I had begun to let Satan fill my heart. Drinkers accepted me, and at the same time I felt the furthest I had ever been from God. After eighth grade I changed schools and went to a tech school. In leaving my friends I thought I could also leave drinking. Without praying to God and asking him to remove this will in my life, I was unsuccessful at starting new. My freshman year started fast, and I was in shock at the difference in schools. Now seniors were paying attention to me, and life really got complicated. Between acting cool at school and being “daddy’s little church girl,” I was really empty. Never giving myself totally to one side or the other left me torn. As I drank occasionally with friends on weekends, I attended church and church events.

Sophomore year drew me a little closer to friends who drank. Well, all my friends drank. I had a severely demented sense of judgment in choosing peers. This year was soon split between yet another school. My dad had asked my family and I if we would want to move. He was debating whether or not to accept a new job, and retire from the military. I as torn yet again, leaving the only home I have ever known, and all the memories of my now-dead brother walking in it when he was alive. At the same time I wanted to remove myself completely from the sin in my life. I half-heartedly prayed about the situation, and was left to tell my dad I wouldn’t mind moving. I had changed schools once before, but somehow I felt this move would be different, and it was. I almost completely withdrew from some of my old friends, and had to fully rely on God for comfort. I was quickly accepted by a small group of girls, who proved to be good friends. I was now living without drinking much at all. During this time my parents also found a new church, NLPC. At first I didn’t like it. The church was small, and not many kids were my age. This perspective soon changed. As time went by, I started up my old church routine, spending time with the elderly, going to Sunday school, going on mission trips, and just helping out in general. Despite my familiarity with the things that I was doing, God built my relationship with him through hundred of church attendants, students involved in the youth group, group leaders, and pastors. Once my relationship with God became more of my own, rather than just something I knew, it was someone I knew. I don’t know exactly when my hear did a 180, but somewhere along my path the people I surrounded myself with change me. I was no longer able to carry the Christian title without fully living out my faith. All of my relationships changed, gradually. I found trust and acceptance in my new friendships, and am able to better minister in old friendships. I can approach strangers with a smile, and pray for them with the same hope that I have in m life. My new-found love is serving others and hanging out having pure fun. My definition of life has become clear: live and die for Christ. This is a simple statement, but it means so much more to me. For awhile, I had to daily ask God to make me patient and wait for my time to be with Him. I know it sound morbid to want to die, but for me it meant being with my brother. I think I have completely changed my desire to be with my God. He is a thousand times more loving and powerful than my brother ever was.

Recently, in April, I attended the Elevate retreat. I had been on many retreats in the past, and despite how God had been working in my life, I wasn’t expecting anything extravagant. I was really underestimating the power of God. I prayed the entire week and on the bus, relatively non-specifically, about how I want God to deepen my relationship with him. Looking back from the trip I discovered that about a week before the trip was made, had been keeping a prayer journal to see if my prayers really were being answered. On April 1st, I was excited about the trip, but was having a low point thinking of my brother, and began writing to God, “What is there left to live for after you have lost your love? Choose Christ and live forever, but what if he isn’t there. Will your God be just as good, or better than the one you love. I miss James. It seems so now more than ever. I want to see him so badly! I pray that this retreat will bring me closer to my God and my brother,” etc. Proverbs 16:3 says “commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established.” During my quiet time that night, I was questioning God about my brother, but at the same time I was testing God, to see if changing my actions would make my thoughts of Christ a reality for me. IN making the subconscious choice of actually asking God to be first, I had also mentioned my brother, you know when I said, “I pray this retreat will bring me closer to my God, and my brother. So God had a lot of work to do in me, but I really wasn’t concerned with any of my relationships at all. I had asked these things of God completely nonchalantly. On the night of our arrival, there was a sermon dealing with sacrifice on an altar. We later wrote all that we wanted God to burn off our hearts onto a yellow piece of paper, and tossed it into a campfire. As I sat by the fire, a little girl from JV (yes-JV) sat and prayed aloud for me. Wow, I was shocked! Right at that moment God could have stopped the night, and I would have been satisfied with my new-found strength in prayer, but he didn’t. He had something even more awesome in mind. As time passed, many people had left the fire after watching their papers burn, but I sat in silence. Something was telling me just to wait. So I stood to leave, thinking that that little voice definitely wasn’t God, it was just me. I took my last glance at the fire, and saw the fury of God. I knelt and prayed while holding my Bible. I could only thinking of my brother. I was tormented. I sought both my brother and God equally. I pulled out the picture of my brother from my Bible and sat and talked to God. I held and looked straight into the picture, and saw the face of my idol. The one I had placed above my Savior. But he was still the same man that I looked up to as a child, and had to watch being buried. After a long moment I quickly stood, and heard the voice of God demanding that I cast him down into the fire, in reluctance I did as I was led to do. As I tried to walk away I couldn’t breath, I collapsed and something inside o me screamed out. A few people were still standing by the fire, and there I lay crying on the wet ground. Like a child, I was scared of what I had done, and was left feeling vulnerable. For the first time since my brother’s death, God’s love was able to fill the place that I had left or James. I was extremely embarrassed that I was experiencing the most agony since the death of my brother, in the woods with people I didn’t really know very well, and what was more was that I was crying. I hate crying around anyone but myself. One of my friends that is also new to the church had accompanied me on the trip and was my comforter. I hadn’t expected God to move in such great power, but what had come over me had such a peaceful ending that it could have only been a gift from God. The wall that Satan and I helped Build was taken down, and a scream of sweet release came that has changed my life forever.

I think of my past and see how far God has taken me from where I once was. God used the simplest of my prayers to mold me. He sought the tiniest place that I had left for him and became my sole joy. I had so many doubts and so many fears about my future, and God pulled me through. The little effort that I once put into my relationship with God has been transformed completely by Him. I bet from the outside all my parents ever saw was a happy girl trying to pull through the darkness of her brother’s death, but on the inside I was truly in darkness. I thank God for the effort that He put into my relationship with Him. After all, He died for me. Even after dying for me, He pursued me. Thank You, Jesus. As for my future, I leave that to God. I will simply live each day to the fullest and continue my nightly devotions. I will give God every opportunity to work for my good and the good of those around me. I will be content in every situation and give thanks. Through prayer and council from the ones I love and leaders who guide me, I hope to be where God desires. His plans are perfect, and only through Him am I anything. I desire to be stripped of this world and thrown into Heaven, but living on Earth comes first. So I, like many of you, will spend my days living for God, and those of you who aren’t should fully examine just what you are living for. Deep inside, only Christ can fill you up so much that your heat is overflowing with adoration for him. My prayer for us all is that we can stop living for ourselves completely, and instead live for Christ. May the peace that Christ carries dwell in each of you. AMEN!!!